Category Archives: Child raising

September 8, 2012

Summer of ’12 (THE ADJUSTMENT)

By Brad

OK I’m back.

All apologies to you, my readers, for the huge gap between Penny’s birth back in June and now. Frantic summer that we all had to adjust to our new life with the newborn. My wife and I had a pretty good and easy time adjusting to having Penny home. For the first month or so she slept great. Could put her down anywhere. We attribute the breast milk AND the exhausting NICU/preemie ordeal as the possible reason for that. As the milk ran out we went to formula and she was still a great sleeper, especially at night so we got decent hours of night-time slumber. The main hurdle of the summer was one particular little lady.

I exaggerate. Maddie is a super-duper big sister. She LOVES her baby sister–Adores her in fact. She’s always asking how she is and if she see her closer for hugs and kisses. She is still thanking us for bringing her home from the hospital. She was a wee bit ‘scared’ of her at first, by that, I mean scared to hold her or have her sit in her lap. Totally expected but slowly but surely she’s gaining more confidence with holding or sitting with Penny.

Whether its Maddie’s age or the fact that she’s no longer the main attraction she did test us a ton this summer. Acting up, being rude, disobedience, extra stubbornness and refusal to go potty at key times during the day. Bedtimes became hectic and some dinners were nightmares. At the time we were banging our heads against the wall but we slowly realized that its a phase we must wait out and frankly, she is still better behaved than most kids we see so we shouldn’t sweat it so much. Now she’s calmed down and better adjusted to her new life. We did try our best to help her too by doing more things just the three of us. We went to the Camden Aquarium, saw the latest Ice Age movie, went to Sesame Place and other mall outings and such.

However the biggest adjustment for Maddie was adjusting to an active and healthy Mommy. When my wife was pregnant and on bed-rest for practically 2 months she could barely interact with Maddie. It took its toll on their relationship in a way we weren’t expecting. After Penny was born Maddie was still distant and somewhat cold to my wife. It was very sad and hard on her that Maddie still would rather have me do things for her and only play with her. Now we know it wasn’t a preference based on love and affection because Maddie would say things like “No, Mommy, you need to rest (or stay in bed).” So we knew she just assumed my wife was incapable. It took some time and many girls’ only outings to get Maddie to get accustomed back to having two parents again but we’re all back to normal in that regard.

In 2 weeks I will have the biggest adjustment of them all. A Stay-at-Home Dad with TWO kids! Am I nervous? Hell’s yeah! Do I think I will lose my mind? That’s a possibility. Will it really be that bad? Depends but I do know this: Whatever bad days I go through, they will pale in comparison to the melancholy my wife will have to endure going back to work after a 5-month hiatus, spending all this good quality time with her family and her new adorable baby and missing them dearly everyday.

I cannot complain too much, I know. In the long run, I have the dream job and I know I am very fortunate to be able to do what I do on a daily basis.

So, I hope to write more in the coming months but don’t be surprised by my lack of posts since I will literally have my hands full this autumn and winter.

1 Comment   |  tags: , | posted in Child raising, New Experiences

June 1, 2012

The Home-Stretch

By Brad

As of this writing, my wife is 33 weeks pregnant with our breech and very active second daughter. My wife is already on bed-rest for a month and the cabin-fever is starting to show. My sanity and spirits are teetering on a very fine wire, but I’m successfully not “Hulking” out. I still don’t have the urge to get cigarettes and never return. My highest admiration is for my wife and I am deeply impressed at how well she is handling everything. I’m worrying and stressing more than she is! She has to calm me down some nights. In fact yesterday she told me she isn’t going to tell me anything about her condition anymore and will just tell me when the contractions start. Fair enough I suppose. I just hope the baby gets out of breech otherwise it’ll most likely be a C-Section, making my wife still limited in her mobility after the baby is born. I think after all she has gone through since this conception would be a nice easy-breezy labor and we can start our new chapter clean and easy.

Maddie is going through some attitude adjustment phase. What I mean is she’s extra sassy and learning the basics to be a pain-in-the-ass. She can be the cutest, kindest little girl one minute and the next a total lunatic. She picks fights with us for really the most insane reasons. For instance, this morning, I was playing with her in the basement playroom with her Strawberry Shortcake Berry Bitty Market play-set and included in said play-set is a cash register part that fits snugly on the base but doesn’t permanently snap into the base. She wanted it to stay for good by snapping it in. I tried to cool her frustration by explaining to her that it doesn’t snap in. She threw the register across the room and said she was mad at me and didn’t want to play with me anymore. She then ordered me to stay downstairs while she ran up. All the while I’m baffled at what just happened as well as laughing through my teeth and such a drama-queen she is. So little moments like that make her look like a psycho but we still love her dearly.

I’m still finishing up the new nursery (just have to finish painting the forest creatures for the mural). The electrical work is done. The carpet is down. The furniture is in. I just have to put in the closet kit and the mural and we can welcome baby #2. But my wife has to KEEP HER IN for just 3-4 more weeks!!!

It’s time to start your betting pools, ladies and gentlemen. When do you think this baby is coming?!

Leave a comment   |  tags: | posted in Child raising, Conflict

March 21, 2012

The Diabolical Evil Dr. Daddy!!

By Brad

As Madeleine nears three and well into her TERRIBLE Twos (should be Too’s since it’s TOO MUCH!) she sure can press my buttons. Now I will be the first to admit that I have a bit of a temper. I wish I was more zen and calm and frankly, I don’t know how I got so bad with the rage issue. So far I have not destroyed anything nor hit anyone, especially Mads so I guess it’s in check but I have banged tables and kicked toys around in frustration. It’s something I now I have an issue with and hopefully it will not be a major problem. But anyway these days Maddie will actually disobey me on purpose to see how much she can “bend” me and my rules. In a perfect serene, Disney-like world, she is a delightful and charming mischief-maker like Tinkerbell and I’m the bumbling and easily agitated Captain Hook. But actually she is a vampire sucking the joy out a quiet afternoon and I am Van Helsing.

As the parent-in-chief, making a very small child do what you want takes a lot out of your energy and sanity. I have managed a small movie theatre back when I was twenty with a staff of about 15 teenagers and that was nothing compared to the anguish of some hell-raised days Maddie gives me. Before my temper flares and I give her a tongue-lashing I try try TRY to calmly reason with her in our native English language. I have come to sound like a comic book super villain with the warnings I have given her. I have actually told her that:

“Don’t make me angry…You won’t like me when I’m angry.”

and

“You don’t really think you will win do you?”

and something to the extent of:

“If you do not put that down, I will make you regret it!”

Since when did I become Dr. Doom? Has all those years of comic book reading seeped into my subconscious to make me become such a Stay-At-Home Geek?

At least I can laugh at it. And even if I do morph into a hulking raging beast-like parent yelling and screaming at my child to stop throwing her toys at least I know in my mind and my heart that I make her laugh WAAAAY more than I make her cry. And after a few minutes she we forget the whole battle incident.

3 Comments | posted in Child raising, Conflict

December 5, 2011

You Gotta Be Cruel To Be Kind…

By Brad

My toddler has her moments of being a pain-in-the-rump sure. The Terrible-Twos have manifested in her being and some days are better than others. Most days she’s really good; really polite and listens to directions. Some days not. As a first time parent and a Stay-At-Home one I’m quickly learning the tricks to deal with the tantrums, the outbursts and the clumsy I-DO-MYSELF stumbles and fumbles. I also learned a handy trick to help calm her Hyde and return her to her super sweet Jeykll—THE TIME OUT.

Most times Maddie gets a Time Out its for simply bad attitude or a tantrum that turns too ugly to ignore. It’s for a quick minute or two in her room, in her crib with the door closed and most times it feels like we’re doing it simply for empty disciplinary action, more like “playing the role, acting the bad guy for appearances sake.” Sometimes she even self-administers a Time Out when we get a bit annoyed with her which is really odd and we tell her that she isn’t really bad enough for one. But we do it moreso because we learned it actually works and calms her down and returns her to a good state of mind. I’ll go back in and say “Are you ready to be good” and she smiles and says YES and she’ll be great for a long time. Problem solved. On a few occasions if she gives us a hissy-fit over refusing her meal, I’ll put her a Time Out and afterwards she gobbles up the food like the fit never happened. It’s kind of like a penalty box in hockey and it erases the memory of the moments right before.

Today was a tad different though. She refused her lunch even though she specifically requested a PB&J sandwich. When I presented her with it she wouldn’t touch it. So after a few moments of whining and complaining I gave her a time out. After a minute I asked if she’d be good now she replied in the affirmative but when I asked if she’d eat she still told me “No.” So again I gave her a quick Time Out. When I returned again I got the same result from her. So again I gave her a Time Out but for a few minutes longer. I was a bit worried about keeping her in there too long, especially when she got quiet, because I was afraid she’d take a nap. But when I went in her room again she was sitting quietly Indian-style against the headboard with her head down in a toddler-like grief look. It reminded me of Steve McQueen in the Great Escape seeing her sitting there like that. If she had a baseball mitt and ball it would’ve been perfect.

Anyway, when I asked her again if she’d be good she smiled big and said YES. When I asked about her lunch she also said YES. When I carried her out to the living room to eat lunch I asked if she wanted some of my Doritos [as a sort of peace-offering—SEE! I’m not such a bad guy!], she said “No Daddy, I have to eat my sammich first.”

And she did. So the moral of the story is: Hard Time WORKS!! No seriously, as cruel as I felt keeping her in a Time Out because of refusing to eat it actually worked out in a positive way for both of us. So there’s a slight gratification in being cruel when it works out benefiting all parties involved. She happily ate her lunch and got some Doritos and I held my ground as a disciplinarian and father and never seemed to her as the bad guy. And got a better reaction from it then I expected.

2 Comments | posted in Advice, Child raising, Conflict, Tricks and Tools

September 13, 2011

V for Vagina

By Brad

I don’t know why I held off teaching my daughter the name of her naughty bits until now. I think mostly because for girls it’s not a concern early on. In other words, no extra appendage hanging between your legs. Young boys can pull and play and hold their penis especially come the time they start potty-training. My Maddie touched her crotch maybe 5 times in her life so far. Another reason I never mentioned it and I’m sure you’ll find this weird and silly but I was planning on not calling it a vagina. I could be very odd at times I will admit and part of that is my technical thinking [for lack of a better word]. I try hard to say INTER-resting instead of IN-tresting. It’s called being ironic not being sarcastic. A tomato is a FRUIT!! I blame my very precise grandmother for this who corrected me often and it must also be in my genes. It was always YES not YEAH. Like I said it’s annoying but who I am. I drive my family crazy with this habit of mine of over-correcting and being right as much as possible.

Anyway, I don’t like it when people refer to the exterior genitalia of females as a “vagina” because technically it’s not. The vagina is inside the woman. So I had this very crazy notion to teach my daughter the correct way to describe or refer to her crotch-area.

However, after discussing this with my wife and mother I decided to stop being such an ass and call it what everyone on planet Earth calls it. There’s no reason to make her an outcast early in life despite her being more correct than most people. No one likes a Smart-Alec.

Maddie started calling it her Va-China the first couple of times. I blame Ni Hao Kai Lan for that.

All I know is in a round-about way I will be worrying about that vagina or vulva or whatever for a long time; until she gets married at least.

1 Comment   |  tags: , , , | posted in Child raising, Education, New Experiences

August 15, 2011

My Father Is Dead and I Shed Not A Tear

By Brad

This past weekend, my estranged father passed away. I have not spoken to him in over 15 years. My brother and I in sound mind and wisdom disowned him. We were fed up with the bad behavior, the lack of love and affection as well as attention and we felt in our heart that he had given up on us so we gave him essentially what he wanted and that was free from his responsibilities and ties to us and our mother. I was a high school graduate so I really knew what I was doing at the time plus some teen angst mixed in I’m sure. But after the divorce he kept moving farther and farther away making it harder [or easier] for all involved to stay better in touch. He stopped calling us as much and the holiday and birthday cards/gifts were either months late or not received at all. In other words he gave up on us. I never regretted that letter nor looked back at that fateful decision that should be a very sad and hard decision to make but even as I learned of his demise on Saturday evening I felt nothing. Couldn’t even think of a positive memory shared with the man. I went on enjoying my evening with a good friend and watched movies and drank some beers. On my late night car drive home that same evening I tried in vain to feel sad or sorry or even hate or anger but none were to be found.

I tried to feel something because quite frankly the man who gave me life is gone for good and still nothing came. My mother’s first husband and Maddie’s grandfather is never going to be seen again and still no emotion. After two more days and spending time with my wife and daughter and my brother and mother yesterday I still feel nothing. I’m not ashamed to say I don’t feel an ounce of sadness because for 15 years he has been but a memory for me; he was already essentially dead. However, I still felt a ghost of him lurking in the shadows of my life and the possibility of him contacting me was slim but it was still feasible to still see him. Well that ghost is gone now. I’ll never talk to him again nor will be know my wife and his beautiful grand-daughter. He died utterly alone and that was his choice.

I’ve been thinking about my father a lot in these past 2 years since I’ve become a father myself. He was the inspiration [or lack thereof] for fatherhood I needed to be EXACTLY the opposite the man, husband and father he was. He abused and ruined not only his life but his family’s as well. A very bright man who not only fell from grace but stayed there for good and is now the greatest failure I will ever be unlucky enough to know. My daughter is MY LIFE now. No question or doubt. My sole motivation in life is to make sure she is happy, healthy and lives a great life. Even if she hates me I will make sure she lives a great life. My father didn’t give two shits when we wrote that letter to him. He asked me if I wrote it and stood by it and told me [TOLD ME!] he loved me and that he’ll always be there for me. But, Hey, at least I can remember vividly the last words my father told me. At least for his sake it was sweet albeit completely hollow. If Maddie wrote me a letter telling me to never bother with her again, I don’t care what continent I was on I’ll be on the first flight back to her. Of course I plan on never being too far from her ever in her life anyway to get to a letter. My esteem is high enough not to feel that my father left us because we didn’t make him proud or even make him happy. He was just never cut out or equipped to be a father. Maybe too selfish to fully give all of himself to his children but he made a ton of mistakes and we as his sons were willing to live with some of those mistakes to still call him Dad but then he made even more and worse mistakes. And now he left a very poor, miserable and lonely corpse.

As a father now I just can’t fathom treating my family the way he did. The boozing, drugs and womanizing really fucked up his life to ways I can’t believe I once called him Dad. It was sad and tragic when I was growing up but as a proud father now myself It’s downright deplorable and embarrassing that a very smart adult could treat himself and his loving family in such a destructive way. Now I’m not unique going through this life experience. Which is the sadder and more tragic aspect of this article. Many many fathers are, in a word, dead-beats to their families and it’s such a sin.

My father’s father, one of the greatest men I ever knew, told my father after the divorce “You messed up with your wife, Don’t ever mess up with your children.” Sound and wise advice I have to agree with 110%.

Sadly he didn’t heed that advice and that’s why I have zero advice from my old man. Who, at the young age of 62, is now dead with only his brothers as his next-of-kin.

However, the lesson he gave me to NEVER BE LIKE HIM, speaks volumes to my ears.

N.A.B. 02/09/1949–08/13/2011

1 Comment | posted in Advice, Child raising, Daddy blog, Emotions

August 1, 2011

Two Terrific Years

By Brad

This past weekend marked the two-year anniversary of the end of my wife’s maternity leave and the beginning of my emotional and most rewarding journey as Stay-At-Home Daddy to my precious Madeleine. I cannot stress enough how grateful and honored I am to be with her every single waking minute and watching her grow into a wonderful and very intelligent little girl.

But for this post I wanted to share some of the things I learned in these two years as a SAHD. Some quick little tips for the other SAHD’s out there.

1. Keep smiling. No matter how bad a day you may have or a bad week even, tomorrow will most likely be better. The laugh and smile of a child can erase the worse feelings.

2. Maintain composure. I will be the first to admit that this is the toughest for me with my bad temper but the guilt I feel after yelling or temporarily losing my sanity to a toddler outweighs the anger. Try not to feel so bad because your child’s love is just as great as yours and will soon forget the minor incident after his/her nap. But don’t think this is a good reason to lose control.

3. Always be prepared. I was going to write a whole post based on my SAHD Survival Bag. I’m still on the hunt for a nice MALE-style diaper/baby bag [I SHOULD INVENT ONE MYSELF RIGHT?] but for now I’m using [appropriately or ironically] my work messenger bag. Some of the essential items besides wipes and diapers are:
Bendy straws; I noticed most diners and restaurants only give kids’ drinks with straight straws and thus creating more mess and frustration for us and Maddie.
Napkins; Self explanatory but always needed.
Kleenex; See Napkins
Batteries; You never know and a toy that doesn’t run is like Hell for a toddler sometimes.
Roll of quarters; Does your kid love those dumb arcade rides outside stores and inside malls? Well not everyone takes dollars or has a change machine.
Crayons; I really started putting these in again for dining out. On two occasions the diners’ crayons were so old and dry they didn’t even write.
Burp cloth; For larger spills and heaven-forbid vomit.
Juice Boxes; Always a good idea, especially for the car.
Snacks; Again like Juice Boxes, in case they are extra whiny or stuck in the car for too long. I prefer Goldfish or Craisins.
Utensils; Not every place has decent plastic kind plus it’s always better to supply your own.
Fast Food/restaurant coupons; Not so much for them but for you in case you need a quick lunch or for the mall food courts.
Small First Aid Kit; Especially with band-aids!

4. Bring a towel. Ever go to the playground and forgot it rained a lot the day before and pools of water have collected at the bottom of every slide and on the swings? Good idea to keep a cheap towel in your vehicle.

5. Don’t give up. Kids could be more relentless and demanding then any crack addict on withdrawal. The more you as a parent give in the more the kids will take. Never let up and never worry about being the bad guy because they will learn and have to learn that no-one ever always gets what they want. This could go for sleeping as well. Yes the crying is heart-breaking but they need that nap or a good nights’ sleep. You give them that extra inch you will lose a foot. Believe me. Which also leads to…

7. Choose your battles! Not every little thing they want/need/whine for is important enough to us to fight them over. I learned that some things aren’t worth the aggravation as long as I feel that letting Mads have her way will not lead to worse behavior. I tell myself countless times “It’s OK she plays with [such-&-such], it’s not a big deal.” For instance Maddie used to go over to my bookshelf whenever she followed me to the office and would routinely pull out a dozen or so books just for fun and curiosity. I never let my tidiness get the better of me and would often let her b/c she’s not ripping the books up. Most times I would even leave the books on the floor for weeks until I felt the need to clean them up.

6. Mind your manners and watch your tongue. I’ve seen kids repeat the most innocent of phrases to the worst words imaginable. I’ve learned to bite my tongue, especially while driving and to cut out the cussing. I now use words like ‘poopy’, ‘bozo’, ‘creep’, and ‘imbecile’ more often than I used to. Also Maddie is very good at saying ‘please’ ‘thank you’ and ‘excuse me’ appropriately more and more as she’s learning to communicate and it’s not just because we force her to use those phrases but because we, too, use those phrases. Kids pick up on our behavior a lot so what you do and say has to be decent.

7. Have Fun! I know this is corny and sounds unnecessary to say but the more fun you have with your kids makes all the difference. I can’t imagine just sitting around the house simply watching Maddie do her thing alone. I seldom wake up unenthusiastic with my day with her. I wake up happy and looking forward to playing and laughing and learning with her. She is my life and she’s making it a happy one despite being home alone with a toddler and my career on hold. If I make her laugh it’s worth more than a weeks’ paycheck. I play with her toys and puzzles, watch her shows and movies countless times and beam when she tries and likes a new food. I marvel at the life I co-created and how patient, generous, smart, happy and loving she is, not just at me but our family and friends. It’s not always easy being a big kid at heart but my daughter makes me one more-so and for that I cannot thank her enough.

And it’s only getting better and better…

3 Comments   |  tags: | posted in Advice, Child raising, Daddy blog, SAHD, Stay at home Dad

June 2, 2011

Testing the [bath]Waters

By Brad

I don’t know if this is a toddler thing or a girl thing or just a Maddie thing but she goes through these waves or phases of NOT wanting to do something that she used to do with zero complaint. In the past she has surely been on the eating roller coaster and a while back it was taking naps or going to bed. A few months ago it was simply putting on pajamas! We, as cordial parents to our little princess, would ask her which PJ’s she would like to wear to bed and each and every one we optioned for her she put down: NO! We initially thought it was a taste thing but her NO meant NOTHING. Well the cries ensued [hers, not ours] as we struggled to put on the PJs. She got over it and within a few weeks of this song-and-dance every bed-time she suddenly went back to her angelic self. Just like that.

Now it’s Bath-time. Again out of the blue she screams bloody murder the past 2 times I turned on the water. Like I’m drowning her favorite plush animal. So now I have to quickly bathe her with no assistance from her and quickly dry her and blow-dry her hair while she cries like a banshee that’s being slowly boiled alive. It’s heartbreaking and oh so frustrating at the same time. For the countless baths before this past weekend it was an alternate play area to her and just a week before she spent about an hour in the bath playing and having a grand ‘ol time. So now I’m hoping it’s again, like the other instances, a phase of hers and within a week or two it’ll suddenly be back to good and normal.

Otherwise it will surely be the Summer of the Stink!

Leave a comment | posted in Child raising, Conflict