Category Archives: Advice

December 5, 2011

You Gotta Be Cruel To Be Kind…

By Brad

My toddler has her moments of being a pain-in-the-rump sure. The Terrible-Twos have manifested in her being and some days are better than others. Most days she’s really good; really polite and listens to directions. Some days not. As a first time parent and a Stay-At-Home one I’m quickly learning the tricks to deal with the tantrums, the outbursts and the clumsy I-DO-MYSELF stumbles and fumbles. I also learned a handy trick to help calm her Hyde and return her to her super sweet Jeykll—THE TIME OUT.

Most times Maddie gets a Time Out its for simply bad attitude or a tantrum that turns too ugly to ignore. It’s for a quick minute or two in her room, in her crib with the door closed and most times it feels like we’re doing it simply for empty disciplinary action, more like “playing the role, acting the bad guy for appearances sake.” Sometimes she even self-administers a Time Out when we get a bit annoyed with her which is really odd and we tell her that she isn’t really bad enough for one. But we do it moreso because we learned it actually works and calms her down and returns her to a good state of mind. I’ll go back in and say “Are you ready to be good” and she smiles and says YES and she’ll be great for a long time. Problem solved. On a few occasions if she gives us a hissy-fit over refusing her meal, I’ll put her a Time Out and afterwards she gobbles up the food like the fit never happened. It’s kind of like a penalty box in hockey and it erases the memory of the moments right before.

Today was a tad different though. She refused her lunch even though she specifically requested a PB&J sandwich. When I presented her with it she wouldn’t touch it. So after a few moments of whining and complaining I gave her a time out. After a minute I asked if she’d be good now she replied in the affirmative but when I asked if she’d eat she still told me “No.” So again I gave her a quick Time Out. When I returned again I got the same result from her. So again I gave her a Time Out but for a few minutes longer. I was a bit worried about keeping her in there too long, especially when she got quiet, because I was afraid she’d take a nap. But when I went in her room again she was sitting quietly Indian-style against the headboard with her head down in a toddler-like grief look. It reminded me of Steve McQueen in the Great Escape seeing her sitting there like that. If she had a baseball mitt and ball it would’ve been perfect.

Anyway, when I asked her again if she’d be good she smiled big and said YES. When I asked about her lunch she also said YES. When I carried her out to the living room to eat lunch I asked if she wanted some of my Doritos [as a sort of peace-offering—SEE! I’m not such a bad guy!], she said “No Daddy, I have to eat my sammich first.”

And she did. So the moral of the story is: Hard Time WORKS!! No seriously, as cruel as I felt keeping her in a Time Out because of refusing to eat it actually worked out in a positive way for both of us. So there’s a slight gratification in being cruel when it works out benefiting all parties involved. She happily ate her lunch and got some Doritos and I held my ground as a disciplinarian and father and never seemed to her as the bad guy. And got a better reaction from it then I expected.

2 Comments | posted in Advice, Child raising, Conflict, Tricks and Tools

October 4, 2011

The Sandwich Press

By Brad

My mom recently gave me a handy little tool — A Sandwich Press [or pastry sealer]. It’s essentially a small round-shaped press for sandwiches or dumplings.

It’s great for kids. You make a sandwich as you normally would and then you press down with the tool cutting the sandwich into a circle [cutting off the crusts] and making a slight seal around the edges. Maddie has usually eaten decently when I cut off the crusts and then quarter the sandwiches into nice little wedges but she normally will only eat 2 quarters at a meal. With this sandwich press she eats more than 2/3 of the sandwich which is a lot more than the usual 2 quarters and on a few occasions even ate the whole sandwich. Also since it’s sealed she doesn’t question what’s inside the sandwich. She’s eating more lunch meats and even started liking tuna fish. It’s great to pack up for school, easier to hold for her as well and very easy to clean.

I am very happy with the product and totally recommend it for any parent and especially ones with fussy eaters.

Here’s a link to the Pampered Chef’s product page in case anyone is interested:

Cut-N-Seal

1 Comment | posted in Advice, Tricks and Tools

September 6, 2011

First School Day (Never Say Goodbye)

By Brad

As the title suggests, today was Maddie’s first day of school. Now she went to that toddler fun class last winter and spring but with me by her side. Today she out of the nest for the first time all by herself with all new people and kids as well as a whole new foreign place.

Before I rant on how it was more nerve-wracking for me and my wife and that she had a good day at her school I want to give a little advice first.

“Just Walk Away. Drop off the child and just walk away.”

I wish our folks had the foresight to tell us that. My wife and I even kinda knew this sage wisdom instinctively but we foolishly went against good nature and thought when we shouldn’t have thought. We said “good-bye and have a good day.” How could you not. She was already exploring her new environment not looking for us and we had to remind her that we weren’t staying. She cried. And cried intermittently for the first hour but for the remaining two hours she was fine. We tell our folks what we did and they tell us, “you never say goodbye.” Thanks for the heads-up.

But she survived and even liked it. Has been talking about it all day. She even seems cockier or more self-confident too. She keeps reminding us that her drawings are on the refrigerator. We are extremely proud and a little sad.

Time is flying so fast. She’s not even two and a half and already she’s in preschool. My wife has been in a daze all day and I think she’s a tad depressed that our baby is already making teachers laugh and bringing home stuff for the fridge. I’m just happy that she liked it and that we, as parents, survived the leaving her with strangers bit. I’m a bit pissed we made her cry by saying farewell but it wasn’t a disaster and turned out great in the end like most new things Maddie experiences.

1 Comment   |  tags: , | posted in Advice, Emotions, School

August 15, 2011

Filling the Void

By Brad

As a Post Script to my previous post, I’d like to give a ton of credit and admiration to my loving Mother and Step-Father, who not only filled the void left by my dead-beat father but made me happy, healthy and made sure I had a good life. My mom is a very strong and moral person who made sure me and my brother were not affected so negatively by the divorce and nurtured us, practically by herself, for many years. I owe all that I am to my wonderful mom. I am a great parent by her lead and example of what a great and loving parent should be. I cannot thank her enough for all that she endured and persevered through emotionally and that through her strength we came out better than OK.

And much love and thanks also for my Step-Father who I also learned that, you don’t have to be related to be a great parent. I also lead by his example of what a good and moral parent should and should not be. He may not have the same genes as me but I am proud and honored to be called his Son. I cannot imagine my life without him and his support. He has been by our side longer than my biological father has and is my one, true father.

I love them both very dearly and I take pride knowing they have a wonderful son who became a great husband and father himself.

1 Comment | posted in Advice, Daddy blog, Emotions

August 15, 2011

My Father Is Dead and I Shed Not A Tear

By Brad

This past weekend, my estranged father passed away. I have not spoken to him in over 15 years. My brother and I in sound mind and wisdom disowned him. We were fed up with the bad behavior, the lack of love and affection as well as attention and we felt in our heart that he had given up on us so we gave him essentially what he wanted and that was free from his responsibilities and ties to us and our mother. I was a high school graduate so I really knew what I was doing at the time plus some teen angst mixed in I’m sure. But after the divorce he kept moving farther and farther away making it harder [or easier] for all involved to stay better in touch. He stopped calling us as much and the holiday and birthday cards/gifts were either months late or not received at all. In other words he gave up on us. I never regretted that letter nor looked back at that fateful decision that should be a very sad and hard decision to make but even as I learned of his demise on Saturday evening I felt nothing. Couldn’t even think of a positive memory shared with the man. I went on enjoying my evening with a good friend and watched movies and drank some beers. On my late night car drive home that same evening I tried in vain to feel sad or sorry or even hate or anger but none were to be found.

I tried to feel something because quite frankly the man who gave me life is gone for good and still nothing came. My mother’s first husband and Maddie’s grandfather is never going to be seen again and still no emotion. After two more days and spending time with my wife and daughter and my brother and mother yesterday I still feel nothing. I’m not ashamed to say I don’t feel an ounce of sadness because for 15 years he has been but a memory for me; he was already essentially dead. However, I still felt a ghost of him lurking in the shadows of my life and the possibility of him contacting me was slim but it was still feasible to still see him. Well that ghost is gone now. I’ll never talk to him again nor will be know my wife and his beautiful grand-daughter. He died utterly alone and that was his choice.

I’ve been thinking about my father a lot in these past 2 years since I’ve become a father myself. He was the inspiration [or lack thereof] for fatherhood I needed to be EXACTLY the opposite the man, husband and father he was. He abused and ruined not only his life but his family’s as well. A very bright man who not only fell from grace but stayed there for good and is now the greatest failure I will ever be unlucky enough to know. My daughter is MY LIFE now. No question or doubt. My sole motivation in life is to make sure she is happy, healthy and lives a great life. Even if she hates me I will make sure she lives a great life. My father didn’t give two shits when we wrote that letter to him. He asked me if I wrote it and stood by it and told me [TOLD ME!] he loved me and that he’ll always be there for me. But, Hey, at least I can remember vividly the last words my father told me. At least for his sake it was sweet albeit completely hollow. If Maddie wrote me a letter telling me to never bother with her again, I don’t care what continent I was on I’ll be on the first flight back to her. Of course I plan on never being too far from her ever in her life anyway to get to a letter. My esteem is high enough not to feel that my father left us because we didn’t make him proud or even make him happy. He was just never cut out or equipped to be a father. Maybe too selfish to fully give all of himself to his children but he made a ton of mistakes and we as his sons were willing to live with some of those mistakes to still call him Dad but then he made even more and worse mistakes. And now he left a very poor, miserable and lonely corpse.

As a father now I just can’t fathom treating my family the way he did. The boozing, drugs and womanizing really fucked up his life to ways I can’t believe I once called him Dad. It was sad and tragic when I was growing up but as a proud father now myself It’s downright deplorable and embarrassing that a very smart adult could treat himself and his loving family in such a destructive way. Now I’m not unique going through this life experience. Which is the sadder and more tragic aspect of this article. Many many fathers are, in a word, dead-beats to their families and it’s such a sin.

My father’s father, one of the greatest men I ever knew, told my father after the divorce “You messed up with your wife, Don’t ever mess up with your children.” Sound and wise advice I have to agree with 110%.

Sadly he didn’t heed that advice and that’s why I have zero advice from my old man. Who, at the young age of 62, is now dead with only his brothers as his next-of-kin.

However, the lesson he gave me to NEVER BE LIKE HIM, speaks volumes to my ears.

N.A.B. 02/09/1949–08/13/2011

1 Comment | posted in Advice, Child raising, Daddy blog, Emotions

August 1, 2011

Two Terrific Years

By Brad

This past weekend marked the two-year anniversary of the end of my wife’s maternity leave and the beginning of my emotional and most rewarding journey as Stay-At-Home Daddy to my precious Madeleine. I cannot stress enough how grateful and honored I am to be with her every single waking minute and watching her grow into a wonderful and very intelligent little girl.

But for this post I wanted to share some of the things I learned in these two years as a SAHD. Some quick little tips for the other SAHD’s out there.

1. Keep smiling. No matter how bad a day you may have or a bad week even, tomorrow will most likely be better. The laugh and smile of a child can erase the worse feelings.

2. Maintain composure. I will be the first to admit that this is the toughest for me with my bad temper but the guilt I feel after yelling or temporarily losing my sanity to a toddler outweighs the anger. Try not to feel so bad because your child’s love is just as great as yours and will soon forget the minor incident after his/her nap. But don’t think this is a good reason to lose control.

3. Always be prepared. I was going to write a whole post based on my SAHD Survival Bag. I’m still on the hunt for a nice MALE-style diaper/baby bag [I SHOULD INVENT ONE MYSELF RIGHT?] but for now I’m using [appropriately or ironically] my work messenger bag. Some of the essential items besides wipes and diapers are:
Bendy straws; I noticed most diners and restaurants only give kids’ drinks with straight straws and thus creating more mess and frustration for us and Maddie.
Napkins; Self explanatory but always needed.
Kleenex; See Napkins
Batteries; You never know and a toy that doesn’t run is like Hell for a toddler sometimes.
Roll of quarters; Does your kid love those dumb arcade rides outside stores and inside malls? Well not everyone takes dollars or has a change machine.
Crayons; I really started putting these in again for dining out. On two occasions the diners’ crayons were so old and dry they didn’t even write.
Burp cloth; For larger spills and heaven-forbid vomit.
Juice Boxes; Always a good idea, especially for the car.
Snacks; Again like Juice Boxes, in case they are extra whiny or stuck in the car for too long. I prefer Goldfish or Craisins.
Utensils; Not every place has decent plastic kind plus it’s always better to supply your own.
Fast Food/restaurant coupons; Not so much for them but for you in case you need a quick lunch or for the mall food courts.
Small First Aid Kit; Especially with band-aids!

4. Bring a towel. Ever go to the playground and forgot it rained a lot the day before and pools of water have collected at the bottom of every slide and on the swings? Good idea to keep a cheap towel in your vehicle.

5. Don’t give up. Kids could be more relentless and demanding then any crack addict on withdrawal. The more you as a parent give in the more the kids will take. Never let up and never worry about being the bad guy because they will learn and have to learn that no-one ever always gets what they want. This could go for sleeping as well. Yes the crying is heart-breaking but they need that nap or a good nights’ sleep. You give them that extra inch you will lose a foot. Believe me. Which also leads to…

7. Choose your battles! Not every little thing they want/need/whine for is important enough to us to fight them over. I learned that some things aren’t worth the aggravation as long as I feel that letting Mads have her way will not lead to worse behavior. I tell myself countless times “It’s OK she plays with [such-&-such], it’s not a big deal.” For instance Maddie used to go over to my bookshelf whenever she followed me to the office and would routinely pull out a dozen or so books just for fun and curiosity. I never let my tidiness get the better of me and would often let her b/c she’s not ripping the books up. Most times I would even leave the books on the floor for weeks until I felt the need to clean them up.

6. Mind your manners and watch your tongue. I’ve seen kids repeat the most innocent of phrases to the worst words imaginable. I’ve learned to bite my tongue, especially while driving and to cut out the cussing. I now use words like ‘poopy’, ‘bozo’, ‘creep’, and ‘imbecile’ more often than I used to. Also Maddie is very good at saying ‘please’ ‘thank you’ and ‘excuse me’ appropriately more and more as she’s learning to communicate and it’s not just because we force her to use those phrases but because we, too, use those phrases. Kids pick up on our behavior a lot so what you do and say has to be decent.

7. Have Fun! I know this is corny and sounds unnecessary to say but the more fun you have with your kids makes all the difference. I can’t imagine just sitting around the house simply watching Maddie do her thing alone. I seldom wake up unenthusiastic with my day with her. I wake up happy and looking forward to playing and laughing and learning with her. She is my life and she’s making it a happy one despite being home alone with a toddler and my career on hold. If I make her laugh it’s worth more than a weeks’ paycheck. I play with her toys and puzzles, watch her shows and movies countless times and beam when she tries and likes a new food. I marvel at the life I co-created and how patient, generous, smart, happy and loving she is, not just at me but our family and friends. It’s not always easy being a big kid at heart but my daughter makes me one more-so and for that I cannot thank her enough.

And it’s only getting better and better…

3 Comments   |  tags: | posted in Advice, Child raising, Daddy blog, SAHD, Stay at home Dad