Penny For My Thoughts

Penelope “Penny” Alexandra, born 06/09/2012 at 6:18 AM. 5 lbs, 3 oz & 17″ long.

Prologue #1:

I’m sure most lame jokers will use the “Penny For Your Thoughts” quote to her for most of her life, whether it’s a silly older relative or a drunken dude at a bar trying to woo her but I WANTED to be the first man in her life to make that dumb joke, just to be clear.

Prologue #2:

My wife struggled for 5 days in the hospital to keep our new peanut in the womb with 5cm dilation but with a few bad contraction bouts quelled by medication, my wife’s uterus couldn’t take it anymore and had to release Penny to the world. Her water broke little after dawn at 5:05 Saturday morning and with my mother-in-law making various moving violations to watch Maddie as I too bent some laws I made it in time for the emergency C-section.

The C-section vs. Marathon Vaginal Labor Birth

I will preface this paragraph by saying I am mostly speaking as myself and not my wife, although I have first-hand experience alongside my wife and she has expressed her thoughts to me on this matter. However, I will admit that I am just the supportive husband and NOT the child-bearer going through the bittersweet ordeal of childbirth…I will not make the mistake of glibly speaking as if I know what my wife went through.

Maddie was born vaginally with about 16-hours of labor. I was there the whole time, consoling, caressing, calming and coaching my wife with the nurses. We had music from our own iPod and we even had windows to see outside. I witnessed the joy and miracle of seeing my daughter’s head emerge into the world. We held the little baby immediately, took pictures and I even cut the cord. Not long after every family member in waiting was able to come to the room and meet Madeleine. It was a very happy and joyous day for all.

With the emergency C-section, my wife was numbed with anesthesia & strapped to a table with her arms out-stretched and tied down. I was in uncomfortable scrubs with a mask recycling my own hot morning breath and tried as best as I could to console and calm my wife who was shivering, very very nervous and blind to what was really going on beyond the make-shift cloth wall the doctors put up. I tried to take some peeks but was advised to stay down as many dads who thought they can handle the sight have fainted and sent to the O.R. themselves and missed the rest of the procedures. Within a quarter-hour’s time Penelope was out and healthily crying ‘hello’ and within minutes was whisked away with me to the NICU being only 34 weeks in utero. They didn’t even ask me if I wanted to cut the cord.

I was with Penny for another 15 minutes in the NICU while the doctor’s and nurses did their thing. I was very elated and relieved that she was big for 34 weeks and seemed perfectly healthy. I was very overjoyed and proud when she squeezed my finger in our first bonding moment. I then went to see how my wife was in recovery and stayed with her for an hour or so until the grandparents & Maddie arrived. The rest of the day I was bouncing back and forth in the NICU and my wife’s suite making sure everything was OK. At lunch time I took Maddie home for lunch and for a nap. I returned later in the evening with Maddie for a short while until I had to get her home for dinner and bed time. Since her birth I have been away from her and Wendy and sleeping alone at home. The last word in Lonesome is ME.

From my perspective this was such a bittersweet birthday for me, my wife and Penny. She’s already the second-child and the amount of bonding and time spent with her on her birthday was pale in comparison to Maddie’s. I realize it was circumstance but it’s still a shame. I’m relieved and very happy, especially that my wife and Penny are healthy and fine and just need time to get in the swing of normalcy but I was very much detached and side-lined that day. I was a wee bit more sad than glad. My wife told me she very much prefers the vaginal labor hands-down from the delivery aspect. If given the opportunity to relive Penny’s C-section she probably would opt to get knocked-out completely as the strapping of her arms and lack of vision was too much for a premature birth from a very worried mother’s perspective. But she too is going through some tough emotions right now too being so distant to our newest bundle of joy.

On Sunday, both my wife and I spent a huge amount of time in the NICU while Maddie was having fun with my folks. I finally bonded properly as I held Penny in my arms and fed her some bottle. I had my moment and it was great. I am now the very proud and overjoyed father that I should be. My heart belongs to her as much as it belongs to Maddie. I could cry thinking about her at any moment of the day.

The Worse. Waiting Game. Ever.

At over 5 lbs, Penny was one of the biggest preemies in the NICU. Which is great seems like it’s a cake-walk right? Wrong. She’s still just 34-weeks and she still has the same hurdles to overcome. Mostly it’s the feeding on her own. She has t learn to properly suck her bottle/nipple and not choke on it. We take drinking for granted as we do breathing but there’s reason’s a baby needs about 40 weeks in utero and that’s to learn this stuff. She’s doing OK with it so far but the doctors tell us that it could be about 2-3 weeks until she can come home with us. This is the hard part. In a few days time my wife will be discharged and every day, for however many weeks Penny’s in the NICU, we have to commute to the hospital to see her. With an older child that’s easier said than done. I realize or sacrifice that my time is more devoted to Maddie. That’s expected for many reasons but the two major ones are that Penny needs her mommy way more than me, especially if she takes to breastfeeding and second, with the surgery recovery my wife is in no condition to play with Maddie yet and there’s not much for her to do at home but rest. She can rest in the NICU and spend quality time with Penny. But it’s tough to make this sacrifice, however I am fine with this fact because POPPA PENGUIN will have her (and big sister Maddie) all to himself once maternity leave is done.

Oh boy.

So we will wait and hope Penny does well, sooner than later and try to maintain our good attitudes and humor until she is home and we can then spoil her little peanut-butt rotten.

Epilogue:

Sure I am an emotional wreck right now. Sure I feel distant and anxious to welcome my newest daughter home. I am also anxious at how her big sister, Maddie will be affected by this new baby in her life. I am also exhausted and drained as well as overjoyed and excited for our futures. Juggling all these emotions and thoughts are totally expected I know. I’m just so relieved that Penny is healthy and doing well. But right now I’m more relieved that my wife is good and will be back to her old self; mobile, cramp free and happier to be out of one of the most harrowing experiences she’s ever put through. That is something I’m more grateful for to be honest.